Clippings from the Meinong Jungle Tribune, essay contribution for catalogue Hammerspace, curated by Study O Portable, London, Sep 13-21

Illustrations by Oliver Herford from The Mythological Zoo, 1912

Golem given citation for loitering, third time this month.

Paradoxical objects collide. Mass explosion results in finite or infinite multitude of new impossible geometries. Local authorities baffled.

Mongolian Death Worm interrupts Shokushu Goukan orgy, forensics still unable to distinguish victims from one another, large area cordoned off, population advised not to aggravate dismembered tentacles.

Annual Doppelgänger convention ends in fistfight. Majority of participants treated for self-loathing.

Blob sent to A&E after eating Gargantua. Blob then ate A&E.

Siren concert poorly attended, small but loud Banshee minority protest outside. Short scuffle between Gnomes and Hobbits following the show, with minor injuries.

Buttered Cats found malnourished, disoriented and scared, in underground warehouse, apparently being used as centrifugal energy source.

Solomon’s Ring found at the 3rd Ave and Delaware Pawn Shop, owner says its literally priceless, will trade for the Aleph or equivalent.

Shepard Tones lure Gremlins into Ayotha river, bringing relief to bullied Cherub population.

Grendel sues for defamation, court date set for early spring.

Pumpkin Carriage made of Adamantium and full of Everlasting Gobstoppers discovered in mint condition in middle of Zerzura. Local jaded hermit describes phenomena as ‘unsurprising’.

Not enough houses to haunt. Conditions deemed intolerable, Poltergeists demand surge in construction to appease demand.

Voodoo restaurant opens, fury of hell unleashed as recipe goes astray due to shortage of Coco de Mer. Thousands may be affected, particularly those with less than twenty limbs.

Forensics reveal washed up Kraken died from eating shipload of Banach-Tarski balls, which multiplied in its stomach, causing it to burst. Carcass still needs to be removed from beach, locals deem stench intolerable.

Schrödinger Cats, both living and dead, culled to ensure rejuvenation of Mickey Mice population.

Maxwell’s Demon placed under house arrest and psychiatric supervision. Insists he cannot ‘not’ open everyone’s doors.

Unicorn slaughter. Corpses found in quarry with horns removed. Divisional sect of Minotaurs believed to be responsible. Horns are sold either whole or ground into powder on black market.

Sudden jump in Square Circle population results in them outnumbering Round Squares three to one. New majority wants adjustment in rights, calls for referendum.

Scores of Mugwumps over-dose in heroin-fueled rave. Bad batch of drugs attributed to the Lost Boys gang. Sad scenes.

Rebuilding effort after latest Godzilla vs Gamera battle to cost trillions. Golden Mountain will again be mined to cover costs. Dwarves strike, seek compensation for what they describe as problems ‘outside their story-world’.

Floating faces of the Bushu Gods appear at the Piggly Wiggly drive-thru, causing traffic jam. Manager asks Gods to leave, unsuccessfully.